How to Role Model Resiliency to Your Child

Do you ever find yourself at your wit's end with your children, struggling to bridge the gap after a moment of frustration?

A Typical Parenting Saturday

Imagine a typical Saturday in the life of a parent: your schedule is jam-packed with back-to-back birthday parties for your kids. You navigate the day, transforming into a dedicated chauffeur, shuttling from one event to the next. By the end of the day, your kids are happily exhausted from their adventures, while you crave a moment of solitude, looking for a break from the day's constant buzz.

The Breaking Point

At home, as you try to tie up loose ends before giving yourself a well-deserved break, but you underestimate the impact of the day's accumulated stress. Suddenly, an accidental blow from a ball by one of your children triggers a reactive outburst from you. In that moment, as described by Dr. Dan Siegel, you "flip your lid," and enter the "fight" stage of fight, flight, freeze. In 0-60, you raise your voice at your child in an effort to self-protect from the external stressors. In that split second, your child seemed like an enemy on your nervous system.

A Moment of Solitude and Reflection

Following this, a noticeable disconnect forms between you and your child.

Naturally, you retreat into solitude (at last, but not the way you had hoped for) with a self-imposed parental time-out....you step away to collect your thoughts.

Mindful Realization

Initially, your mind races with justifications for your anger, but soon after (if you have a regular mindfulness practice), a moment of mindfulness prompts a critical realization: this isn't your typical state of being.

Understanding the True Issue

What's really happening? You ask yourself with curiosity. (this is a very biological shift from your amygdala to your pre-frontal cortex where curiosity resides). Your flipped lid is coming back online slowly.

You begin to acknowledge your own suffering, regret over your reaction, and a profound sense of exhaustion, recognizing a neglect of your own needs.

Embracing Self-Compassion

This realization opens the door to self-compassion. You gently remind yourself, "It's understandable to feel upset in such situations. You're only human. It's okay to feel this way. I'm here for you."

This self-compassionate dialogue allows you to embrace your emotional and physical discomfort, something you might have previously avoided.

The Process of Reconnection

Through mindfulness, you welcome and accept your emotions, acknowledging the physical sensations of your distress.

Familiar with this process through practice, you understand that welcoming these emotions is a crucial step towards reconnecting with your child. As you soothe yourself, placing a comforting hand over your heart and breathing through the discomfort, you find kindness and understanding in your newly practiced self-compassionate inner voice.

Initiating Repair

This internal shift marks a turning point, flaming a desire to mend the rift with your child. You begin to see their innocence and understand their perspective, an insight only possible through self-compassion.

Taking the initiative, you approach your child to apologize and make a repair, saying, "Hey, I'm sorry for raising my voice earlier. I was just frustrated, okay?" This simple act of taking responsibility helps to repair the bond, demonstrating the power of YOUR resilience in the face of parenting challenges.

The Lesson of Resilience

Why share this story? It serves as a valuable reminder that, as parents, we are bound to face setbacks.

However, peaceful parenting is not about never faltering but about how we respond to these moments and take responsibility for our behaviors.

Repairing our mistakes is always within our reach, embodying the hope that lies in reconnecting with those we love.

This lesson extends to our children as well, teaching them that perfection is not the goal in life. Conflicts are a natural aspect of all human relationships, but it's the capacity for RESILIENCE, repair and reconnection that restores the relationship.

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