Part III: Transform Your Family Life- Become Conscious of False Beliefs Driving Your Perception

During your early childhood, your experiences became your belief systems. Children interpret their life experiences as their identities. At that time, as a child, you learned that if this... then that. You may have learned some beliefs that were true at that time, but are no longer true today in your adult life. You may have learned that you aren't good enough, that it upsets others when you have unmet needs, that you won't get your needs met, that emotions are scary, that your voice doesn't matter, etc. You may have concluded a few things from these...to stop asking for your needs to be met, to use control or manipulation to get your own needs met, to avoid discussions about emotions because it can feel threatening, that you are responsible for other people's feelings, that you don't deserve to have boundaries, that you are bad inside if others voice their displeasure with your behavior.

During childhood, these conclusions were protective and kept you safe in your childhood in the environment that you grew up in. These childhood adaptations or belief systems were very SMART. They are what kept you safe in your childhood when it felt unsafe. Suppressing your needs was a smart idea, when the household you lived in said "don't show me your needs again, or else!" We must always respect that adaptation as it was doing the best it could given the circumstances it found itself in. It's one and only job was to make sure you survive. Everything else became secondary and a luxury essentially.

And two things can be true. Yes, those belief systems were protective when you were a child, but today they are no longer true. We know this because you are not a child living with other caregivers taking care of you anymore. Today, you are the adult, and you are in charge of your life. Children get abandoned, adults don't get abandoned. Adults get left.

Unfortunately, these false beliefs don't realize that we have grown up, and they keep unconsciously applying the lessons they learned to current date events with our partners and child and others around us. As such, we are essentially re-creating our own childhood with those around us by acting on our false belief systems.

The first step to overcoming these false belief systems is to acknowledge that they exist. Using mindfulness, identify when a false belief system is at play, and say it out loud to yourself. "What are the thoughts that I am telling myself?" This is often easier to do when journaling as a reflective practice, or with a supportive other that can help you discover the underlying unconscious belief system.

Next, ask yourself, how is this belief system trying to keep me safe? Thank this belief system for trying to keep you safe. Again, going back to childhood, these belief systems did keep you safe. That's a truth we can't deny. And, is it still necessary for it to keep you safe today as an adult?

The following questions can be helpful in journaling or reflective listening with a compassionate other: What need is this belief system meeting? How is that working out for me? What could be a better reframe of this to create a more truthful belief? Where is the opposite of this belief system true in my life today? To consider what your reframe of this situation could be, always choose love.

Part of healing your belief systems is reconnecting with parts of your childhood you still carry with you, called your inner child. Look at a photo of yourself as a child, summon up all of your compassion for that little child. Ask yourself young self in that photo, where is the pain? Tell me about the hurt.

Now consider another child, the one who grew up to become your parent. What wounds did they have in their childhood? What hardened their own hearts? You don't have to forgive them, but seeing them in their woundedness allows you to let go of your anger easier. Moving on isn't for their benefit, its for yours. Allowing yourself to feel these emotions is a gift to you, because it softens your heart for your benefit. Let yourself cry and heal, so you can move on. If it's too hard to let go, we have all experienced that. It's the anger which is a defense against feeling the pain.

Reach for that child inside of you, let the young child tell you about their pain and anger and suffering, accept the pain, let yourself feel it, breathe in the pain, stay in your body and your heart, not your head. Notice the sensations in your body, and breathe into the tightness, the burning, and the urges to act. Feel them but don't act on them. Use a soothing touch to soothe the tension in your body.

Take that inner child from the past into the current day with you as an adult. Promise that child that from now on, you will take care of them and make sure that nobody will harm them and that they will always get what they need because you are a leader and you're in charge now.